Our Anniversary

Today is Chad and I's 17th wedding anniversary, this time last year I was on my second day of mag and feeling the effects fully. I was having a hard time breathing, seeing, talking, eating etc. They took me to have an ultra sound to see how much amniotic fluid I had, which was not great but okay. They estimated Dane to be at around 2lbs 4oz...which they were pleased with because he was big for his gestational age. Things sounded good so everyone left my room and I started to doze off, when I felt a gush of water...I prayed that it was my catheter that fell out, but I knew my water had officially broke. The nurse confirmed it, which brought in a whole slew of doctors to come and chat with me about the risks of carrying a baby with premature rupture of the membrane. I look back now and everytime something serious happened my room was empty, which is really crazy...because there was pretty much always some one there with me. When my water broke I was alone, when the doctors came in to chat with me I was alone, finding out I was in preterm labor I was also alone...I don't know why God planned it out that way, maybe so that my dependance would lie solely on Him. So, everyone headed back up to my room...I do remember that I had to be fed, the food was awful too. I just kept thinking as people were shoveling food in my mouth that I had to eat so that Dane would get bigger. I clearly remember thinking whatever I had to endure would be worth it, that the liquid hot led they were pumping through my veins was going to keep Dane in me for a little longer. Kelly spent the night with me, which was nice so that I didn't have to rely on the nurses everytime I needed a sip of water. I remember a large mexican family was having a baby in one the rooms close to me, I could hear the mom screaming during delivery and I could hear the entire family yelling and cheering when the baby was born...I remember hearing that baby cry...and that is when it hit me for the first time. I may never hear that. The one good thing that happened this day one year ago, besides all of the blessings from family and friends, was that I had made it through the final injection of steriods to help Danes lungs. I made it two days with out going into labor, and the NICU doctor told me every day that Dane stays in me is 3 less days in the NICU...so I was at least thankful for that. By the end of the night I was on oxygen, and they were starting to wean me off the mag...I don't think that my body could handle anymore of that stuff.

Dane is taking a nap, sleeping peacefully in his bed completely clueless to the miracle that he is. Tomorrow he will be one...it's the strangest feeling, a combination of celebration and mourning. I am glad he is too young to feel anything from me that is less than celebration and thanks to God, but the reality is that I wish that his birthday had not come when it did. I remind myself that it is God's plan, and his plans are perfect.