Happy Valentines Day...what a difference a year makes!

Last Valentines Day was a tough one. It was the day that I came home from the hospital, which pretty much sucked sense I wasn't going to be bringing home Dane. I only wish that the story ended there. I was emotionally preparing my self for leaving Dane at the hospital, when one of my good friends David came in to visit. We headed down to the NICU to see Dane and the nurse said, "let me get the doctor"...hmm, that was never said to me right when I came in. The doctor came over to me and began to tell me that they did an ultra sound of Dane's head and that he has bleeding in the brain. I went numb. They got me a chair, I think there were afraid I was going to pass out. The doctor began to draw me a diagram of a baby's brain, she then drew out what a grade one brain bleed looked like and explained to me that a grade one usually doesn't cause any life long problems, then she filled in her little diagram more and explained a grade two bleed and said that it most likely would cause minor damage like wearing glasses or mild learning disabilities. Then she filled it in more to show me a grade three, and how there were more serious life long disabilities like mild to severe cerebral palsy, among a list of other things. Then she filled it in more...a grade four bleed...she filled in the diagram even more to show that a grade four can actually spill out to other parts of the brain causing damage and leaving cystic areas to all brain matter that the blood touches which could result in death or severe disabilities like no walking, talking, even crawling or feeding.

Then she said it, "Dane has a grade four that has already spread out to the brain matter on the left and he has a grade two on the right".

I honestly don't think that I heard anything else she was saying, I was in total shock. WHAM...welcome to the NICU roller coaster ride I had been hearing so much about. The one very cool thing that happened in the midst of the this is while she was talking I clearly heard the Lord's voice over and over saying "I HAVE A PLAN". There are times you feel God, circumstances where you know God's hand was involved in situations...but few times you hear God's voice. I know that I heard God's voice that moment. With tears streaming down my face, I looked at the doctor and said, "God has a plan". I think that she thought that I was nuts, but that's okay...I was just telling her what was going on. My poor friend David was stuck there in the middle of all this, he just lovingly held my hand. I needed to call Chad and tell him to get to hospital, so that the the neurologist could talk to us both together...the rest is kinda a blurr. David wheeled me back to my room and prayed with me, and waited with me until Chad could get to the hospital. I look back now and also know that David was exactly where God wanted him to be too. Chad got there and we nervously went back to the NICU, the neurologist was not there so the doctor came over and told Chad what she had told me...I believe that this is the first time she mentioned us needing to consider taking him off life support, due to the extent of the damage to his brain she was concerned about qualitly of life. She was also concerned because Dane was only 4 days old and most bleeding doesn't hit it's max until day 7 of life...so we were prepared for it possibly getting worse. I remember thinking that he looked so perfect, how could all of this be happening and we don't even see any signs of it? It was the worst feeling in the world. And now we had to go home. Leaving a VERY sick little boy behind so that we could go home and wait for the neurologist to call us and tell us her opinion on Dane's head scan. We left the hospital with no baby and uncertainty of ever bring him home. I was so angry at God, he told me he had a plan...I felt his presence, but was soooo angry. I didn't pray one single prayer that night while we waited for the phone call. Like a mad little kid, I was not speaking to God...If I would have seen him I might have folded my arms and stomped my feet at him.

The neurologist finally called at around 7:00 and said these magical words to us, "let's give him a couple days and see what happens", she also said if he makes it he has a 75% chance of having severe cerebral palsy. Not what any parent wants to hear but it was the best news in the world to us. We sat and explained it all to Gage and Katie, and I must say that we have the best kids in the world. Katie snuggled with me and cried...Gage said very confidently, "I think he is going to be fine." I think that God was speaking to more than just me that day, Gage was almost getting annoyed with us because we were so upset, it was like he knew what God was saying to him and we weren't listening. Pretty cool for a then 16 year old. Dan and Kelly came over and hung out with us for a while, I think that there was some wine shared between Chad and Kelly...it was good for Chad to have his sister there.
Chad was my hero, he took care of me in a way he never had before. You see I was pumping breast milk, so I had to wake up every 2-3 hours to pump, on top of recovery from my c-section. But Chad woke me up, and had everything ready for me he actually stayed up with me too ( and if you know Chad this is no easy thing for him). I don't think that I would have continued pumping if it wasn't for him, it was so painful and I there was a part of me thinking "what if I am going through all this and the baby doesn't survive to even use it"... thankfully Chad was there to encourage me.

Since that day last year Dane has steadily climbed up, he is a true testiment to the power of prayer and God's faithfulness. But Valentines Day will always have a new meaning of love for me, this is a day where God showed His love in an extraordinary way. Not chocolates or roses, but a strong yet quiet voice reminding me that He has a plan for Dane and our family.

Here is Dane playing with his new guitar from Grandma and Pap Pap!